ORIGINAL BLISS

Sanctuary

Home Sweet Home.

A space I don't have to leave to feel like I am away from it all!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Namaste,

C H E Z

Motion and Stillness

The move is complete.

I am in my new place and it is such an awesome space! A real sanctuary. A house of glass that lets in the dappled sunlight and views of lush vegetation that surround the property. A fountain bubbles outside my bedroom windows and birds flit in and out of the courtyards.

I love it so so so so much! 

It has been so much work: the planning, the packing, the heaving and hefting, the loading and unloading, and finding the perfect places for all the crap I have acquired over 43 years.

Add to that the emotional baggage and bureaucratic processes of a divorce...

I have been so busy I haven’t had time to really think. Or really feel.

I had a moment alone last night. Kelsea was at work. Mattea was with friends. It was just me, alone with my thoughts and my feelings.

When the busy stops, I grieve.

Not over the loss of the person, because when I am with him, I feel alone ~ which is more frustrating and disappointing than actually being alone.  

No. I grieve the loss of the IDEA of love. I grieve the loss of the fantasy I built my life around and upon. I just propped up the reality of the relationship on the ideals I desired and called it so.

But it was like a pretty teacup. It looked good on the shelf, with its trips and events, but when I tried to drink from it, it held nothing to quench my real thirst. A pretty, empty, cup.

So I am creating this new space, a new cup, that I fill with positive, fortunate, and abundant changes that I can drink from and actually be sustained.

Namaste,

C H E Z

 

Oh Momma - My Mother's Day Gift From Mattea

Lucky me to have a daughter to serenade me with such beautiful lyrics and voice.

The lyrics are sooooooo appropriate and uplifting to me during this time in my life.

Thank you Mattea! YOU are a gift.

Oh Momma by Justin Nozuka

Give me that line again-
He's not coming home again tonight
Momma wipe those tears from your cheeks
It don't make no difference now
Remind me one last time that you won't ever go
Oh the whales can't swim without the tide,
And birds won't fly without the stars in the sky

I can't feel without your touch
I can't dream without your smile
I can't live without your love (Oh Momma)
I cannot fall without your hand
I can't cry without your arms
I can't live without your love (Oh Momma)

Give me that song again,
Hold me closer than you ever did before
When I've given all I'll give you more
We'll keep on floating to the shore
You can take a storm and turn it all around and then the sun shines through
Oh the story of your life
We have all been designed
but you're as real on the outside

I can't feel without your touch
I can't dream without your smile
I can't live without your love (Oh Momma)
I cannot fall without your hand
I can't cry without your arms
I can't live without your love (Oh Momma)

See when it all comes back around
And he still can't figure out how he let you get away
You just keep your head up high
And know it's better off that way

Namaste,

C H E Z

Shannan's Prayer For Today

Dear Divine Alpha/Omega, All That Is, Whatever That Is,

I am contacting you today to thank you ~

for my anger ~ for the rational, slow burn of outrage I hold within me.

Anger really gets a bad rap down here in the second, lowest dimension from Hell. It's labeled as "bad" and forsaken for a fake, happy-go-luckiness even though we are miserable.

Recently, I have discovered anger to be a glorious thing - indeed, a gift! For it has provided me with the fuel I need for change. It has mobilized me past the constraints of fear and into action.

Thank you for every reminder: for every stupid, crazy, aggravating thing that makes me want to slap him upside the head. Each moment of insanity reassures me that I am doing the right thing.

And thank you further still for restraining my hand ~ because I sure as hell don't need that kind of drama - though he so righteously deserves it.

If you could also please help me in keeping my tongue to myself. Though it would be gratifying to cut him to the quick with some well phrased jabs, that would only keep me engaged with him and diminish me. May my talking, and blogging, about him behind his back bring satisfaction enough.

Thank you, too, for showing me that "Til death do us part" meant when the relationship kicked the bucket.... not when I did. Though I performed every lifesaving measure known to relationships, nothing could resuscitate it. Thank you for telling me to bury the damn thing already, because its putrid carcass was starting to stink up the place.

Please let me hold on to resentment as long as I need ~ to stave off regret. Allow the resentments to remind me that I never, ever, ever, ever, ad infinitum (ever) want to go back into a relationship that was that destructive.

BUT when it is time - when it is no longer useful - help me to release it, because I don't want to end up a bitter, old bitch, either.

And I shout HellYeah!Lujah! Thou hast provided me with a sense of humor. Although others may find my wit irreverent or inappropriate, it surely saves me. And I am so grateful!

Namaste,

C H E Z

 

In A Perfect Storm... Perfect Peace.

"Ethereal" Mixed Media Collage, National Geaogaphic Art Journal Series, Shannan Sinclair

I consider myself a pretty strong person. I mean, don't we all see ourselves in that light? After all the pain, heartache and suffering that we go through, when we come through at the other end of it, don't we think, "Damn! I can't believe I made it through that!"

Well, I have a confession. Sometimes.... I don't feel that strong. Oh, I may look like a B.A.M.F. who's got the tiger by the tail. But when I am alone, and trying to hide under my covers... mmmm not so much.

Sometimes, the pain is agony.

Sometimes I feel utterly alone and completely broken.

But I have also experienced something A-M-A-Z-I-N-G in that.

There have been several times in the past couple of months, where I have been in those moments. I have nothing left in me. No fight. No spark. Empty.

And in the very moment of the deepest dispair a strange and perfect peace embraces me, fills me and refreshes my soul.

Just when I think - I can not go on any further... I am restored.

Namaste,

C H E Z

Follow Your Heart - OR DIE!!!!!

So I watched Oprah today.

I don't usually watch Oprah. I have nothing against her... I just don't like sappy, overdramatized, preachy things. I like authenticity. And although she preaches authenticity - it doesn't feel authentic to me.

I want REAL. Like, really really REAL.

I like my sunshine with some clouds...

my flowers in the dirt...

I like my tears... not to be a pretty, little well-up with one sliding down my cheek.... I like tears with snot and sobs and black, mascara eyes that leave a salty rind encrusted on my face.

But I watched Oprah today, featuring Tom Shadyac, the director of Ace Ventura, Bruce Almighty, Nutty Professor, who gave up the so-f-ing-rich-and-successful life, for a REAL one.

It hooked me. It touched me. And it reminded me of several things about myself that I have let go to seed.

I haven't been living my purpose. I know my purpose. I yearn and crave to be fulfilling it. BUT I continuously put it aside and give my energy away to purposes that are not from my own heart. I get distracted and off-track.

Oprah said today.... "Each day we live not doing our heart's desire... we die a little."

That resonated with me. I know that little inkling of death. I feel it when I close my eyes at the end of a day that I have been completely out of touch with my soul's reason for being.

So I am putting a little Posty on my bathroom mirror that reads - "Follow Your Heart - OR DIE!"

Every morning... as I floss my gums... I will repeat it in my head and go into my day following my heart.

Namaste,

C H E Z

The Shannan Show - NOW PLAYING!

Does it ever feel like the Universe is playing games with you?

Or is it just me?

Sometimes I feel like I am living in a Cosmic Sit-Com and the Higher Power and all Its minions gather round to watch....

Boy, do I make them laugh!

It especially feels that way when I think I have it all laid out ~ I got myself a plan ~ I'm dedicated ~ I'm following through ~ I'm on a roll!

That must be boring and predictable - a real yawner.... so the Great Scriptwriter in the Sky writes in a shocker. The celestial order gasps in surprise and tunes in again tomorrow to see how the kooky, comic, protagonist handles it all.

"Just Married and Happily Ever After" doesn't keep the audience engaged for very long. Write in some major drama. "Husband Goes to Jail" - "Husband Loses Job" - "Family Loses House" - "Court Battles" - "Real Ex Wives of the Trailer Park" - "ADHD and PTSD" - "All That and a Bag of Rancid Ruffles!"

Way. More. Interesting.

When I am finished writing my current book.... oh yeah, the little divorce the Divine Mastermind wrote into the soap opera called My Life ain't stopping me.... I am going to write an autobiography.

You'll laugh.

You'll cry.

You'll get really pissed off.

And I'll win an Oscar just for being in the race.

Namaste,

C H E Z

Lest I Forget

Namaste.....

Waylaid and Frayed

 

 

Waylaid and frayed.

Worn threads on the screw.

The silence in my smile,

a tocsin.

Behind the mirage,

a saccade betrays me.

Tapping out

S

O

S

in desparate staccato.

You cannot sweep away destruction

with a wave or a wish.

Abandon ship

is the only option.

 

Namaste,

C H E Z

Catch Your Wings

   

 

Wash Away - Mat Costa

 

Float down stream, rivers of dreams
Float down stream, catch your wings
Heavens high, so you fly
Catch your dreams in the sky

But the glaciers have frozen your feet
I can't wait for eternity
And so you watched me wash away
But maybe we'll catch up someday
Maybe we'll catch up someday

 

Sun it sinks out of view
Stars they shine changing hue

But bright lights have blinded your sights
They can't adjust when day turns to night
And so you watched me wash away
But maybe we'll catch up someday

The castles we built were so tall
They only left us further to fall
And still I see them far away
But maybe we'll come back someday
Maybe we'll come back someday

Float down stream, rivers of dreams
Float down stream, catch your wings

The castles we built were so tall
They only left us further to fall
And still I see them far away
Maybe we'll come back someday

The castles we built were so tall
They only left us further to fall
And still I see them far away
As I watch them wash away
Wash away...
Wash away...
Wash away...
Wash away...

 

Namaste,

C H E Z