ORIGINAL BLISS

Valley of the Shadows

Trying to recall the moment I lost my Self.

Was it back during the awkward days of puberty when I sacrificed pieces of myself to be more like my peers?

Was it when I gave birth to my children and gave up my dreams in order to provide stability and security for them?

Was it when I began a career in a profession I was capable of but didn't love, and began going through the motions in exchange for a paycheck? 

Was it during each of of my failed relationships when I abandoned my needs in order to fulfill my partner's?

Was I ever a Self?

Do I have a Self to find?

Maybe she is in there somewhere...lost in the Valley of the Shadows of D... Disillusionment, Denial, Despair, Deep Dissatisfaction and Death--Death of the self that isn't my Self.

I reached the tipping point in April of this year when I fully arrived at the mid-life pinnacle and crossed its border. But turning 45 wasn't the beginning of a leisurely descent. It was a cliff.

Suddenly, I can't see. Well, I can. But only in the posture of the middle aged.

My arm only extends so far!!!! And it's fucking embarrassing trying to read your iPhone from 3 feet away.

I can't sleep. I'm my grandpa, waking up at 4am, contemplating taking a walk to the donut shop.

I can't remember for shit.

Like what I ate for breakfast.

That was only an hour ago.

Oh yeah, I DON'T EAT BREAKFAST!

I have to make lists. I used to be able to manage every single thing in my life and my partner's and my children's all in my head. It has to be on paper now. And I forget to do that!

Worse, I don't give a shit. I'm like, "Fuck it. I don't want to do that shit anyway."

And not just the shit on the lists I forget...even the shit I used to LIKE to do before.

I lost desire and drive for the things I used to love. Or thought I loved, but don't really know if I love anymore.

I am frustrated and confused.

But mostly, I'm scared. 

I am in free fall and haven't hit bottom.

On the bright side, I still have time to figure out how to fly.

 

 

Namaste,

Shannan

 

 

Frayed

"Frayed"

I have officially been on vacation for 5 days. While I have ventured out, to a couple of events, the gym and to the UC Berkeley Botanical Gardens to snap these photos, for the most part I have been kind of a slug.

For instance, I just woke up from a two hour nap. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY!!! Who does that!!??? 

Not me. But I feel so rested now, I am thinking I should do that more often. Maybe if I reframe it and call it meditation or system upgrading, I won't feel so guilty about it. 

"Dew"

Actually, I don't feel so guilty. My first response when I woke up was to go there, but I felt so good I couldn't. It does tell me that I have been in desparate need of deep rest and haven't been giving myself permission to take care of myself.

"Dogwood"

Photography has become a way that I nurture myself. 

I adore the solitude in it. Sure, I can go with other people, but once I start wandering, I get lost in my own space.

I love diving deep into the subject, looking at it more closely. I love the challenge of trying to get my machanical eye to see and imprint my subject in the way I am seeing it -- not the way it is in reality, but the way it is in relationship to me at that moment. 

"Rose"

 

"Ghost Pines"

 

"Poppy"

"Open/Closed"

 

"Reflection"

I don't always get it right.

That's when another relationship between myself and the subject happens. Pulled into my computer, enlarged on the screen, I notice details I didn't see when I was caught up in the moment. Deeper beauty. Subtle imperfection.

 

"Trumpet"

The whole process is a meditation with the light.

"Blue"

A communion with color.

"Hummer"

Communication with creation.

 

And an understanding of myself.

 

Namaste,

Shannan

For the Love of the Game

Spent yesterday evening with my sister and neice and nephew. I'm not a baseball fan, but it was a treat watching my nephew Chance play.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Keelyn was there, too. She is going through the "TWO" stage. Everything is "No." But I was able to capture a couple of shots without her really knowing.

 

On a personal note, I have been through more upheavals the past couple of months: a big move, telationship trials, and professional stress.  I lost some things that were really important to me...mostly me. I am going to take some time to heal through art amd will be posting more frequently. 

And I am also going to get back to writing that next novel.

I know, you'll believe it when you see it. :)

Until next time,

Namaste.

Shannan

The Quick Glitch

Thanks to my daughter's boyfriend, I have a new creative toy.

>>>Insert shout out to Major Seven, (or as we call him, Maxwell) here.<<<

It's called Glitch Lab. It's a free app on the iPhone, and it's ADDICTING!!!!

I import photos I have taken into this genius little app and create Glitch Art with it.

It is no secret that all our technological gadgets are imperfect. Our devices have bugs, which cause malfunctions. A glitch is the unexpected result of a malfunction in our software, video games, images, videos, audio, and other forms of data. Glitch art is a celebration of these technological mishaps.

 

 

The Glitch Lab app makes use of the bugs in technology and allows the artist to recreate the conditions that cause glitches. By bending circuits, manipulating codes and deleting raw data, we can exploit flaws and make them interesting works of art. 

From my experimentation, there is no way to get an intentional effect. You chose a tool or effect, rub your finger on the screen and see what you get. It's always a surprise. But rather than being frustrating, as creating art can sometimes be, Glitching is a liberating, entrancing experience.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Try it. See if you like it!

Namaste,

Shannan

Slow Saturday Drive in the Sierra Foothills

"Lone Horse"

Outside Columbia

"Guardian Mary"

Saint Anne's Church

"Orchard Sunset"

Lake Tulloch

"Ol' Doorknob"

Columbia State Park

"Shed Windows"

Columbia State Park

"Stained Glass Sunset"

Saint Anne's Church

Namaste,

Shannan

The Creative Commute

"Voltage"

 

"Tumblin Tumbleweeds"

 

"Got Grid?"

 

Chicken Soup for the Cynic's Soles

There is nothing like a walk in the rain; the hushed whisper of the showers through the leaves, the sweet taste of droplets on your tongue, having the sidewalks and the park all to yourself.

As I strolled the rolling walkways of my neighborhood park, I happened upon an old, oak tree. The recent storms had stripped it of most its leaves and the ground was littered with acorns.

Reminded of a story, I stopped to contemplate them.

I am sure it was Jack Canfield who first exposed me to the story, back when Chicken Soup for the Soul first came out. That was before there was a Chicken Soup for Teens, Chicken Soup for African Americans, Chicken Soup for the Canadian, Chicken Soup for the American Idol, Chicken Soup for the Cat Lover, Dog Lover, NASCAR Lover, Beach Lover, or Your Lover's Lover... (these exist)...

...way back before they started making Chicken Soup for the Soul Chicken Noodle Soup. (uh. yeah. no lie. PROOF HERE! )

Way, way back...before Chicken Soup made you puke.

He talked about how within every acorn lies the potential to be the fully realized oak tree. 

He was making a point, that within each of us there is the potential to realize our greatness, our best self.

Very inspiring stuff.

Until I looked down at them on the ground in various states of smushed and felt the hard slap of reality in my face.

Sure, within every acorn there lies the POTENTIAL... but not every acorn becomes a tree. Not very many even become a sprout. The chances of an acorn elevating itself out of smushed is less then 1 in 10,000. (gotta love Google.)

The only other opportunity for the acorn to become something of itself is by being picked up by some passing creature and eaten. That lucky acorn gets to become squirrel shit.

Jack Canfield did not convey all this in his story. Apparently, squirrel shit does not make good Chicken Soup.

It was fucking depressing looking down at the wet dirt at all that wasted potential. I couldn't help but identify with these pathetic useless seeds and worry that I, too, am wasting mine.

Then I realized...

I am not an acorn.

I am a human. And human potential is unlimited. The only thing that inhibits our potential is our inability to see and believe in the infinite possibilities within ourselves.

I decided that these acorns today were not destined to become squirrel shit and I picked them up off the ground, carried them home, placed them in a bowl on my mantel to remind me: 

 

neither am I.

Namaste,

Shannan

 

Photos taken on iTouch with Hipstamatic camera app

Holy Days

The month of November was not good to my family in so many ways. Besides the broken sewer line displacing my family the entire month, we also lost my stepfather to an unforeseen illness. 

It has been an exercise in patience and a lesson in grief, love, and gratitude.

I wish I could say I was the picture of serenity during this trying time, that I didn't lose it, not once, but unfortunately, the stress did get the better of me a few times. 

But unlike other stressful times of my recent past, my break downs were minimal in occurence, duration and intensity. Several blessings helped me hold it together.

My family. The death of my dad brought us together, not without drama (after all, we are Lyons women), but together just the same. Sharing stories of our childhood was amusing and comforting and getting to watch my young nieces and nephews play and listen to them laugh was a reminder that life is short and precious.

 

 

 

 

 

I spent time looking out at various landscapes, finding beauty not only in the obvious places, but when I changed my perspective in unusual places as well.

 

 

 

 

I am feeling reconnected with my creativity again. 

Last but not least, I am not the same woman I was a year ago. I am stronger and wiser. I have a better support system and have surrounded myself with more loving and open people.

So in the midst of the crazy that will forever be called November 2012, I was actually happier than I would have ever imagined possible.

Namaste,

Shannan

 

Photo credit: Dan Zampa & Shannan Sinclair 

Day Trip with Mattéa

Mommy daughter day to San Francisco with the goal of taking portraits worthy of her senior yearbook. We made an adventure out of it.

 

 

 

We headed to the Mission District in search of the vibrant murals so abundant there. Balmy Alley is off the beaten path, but well worth the visit. 

 

 

After we adjusted to the inspiration overload, we got down to business.

 

 

After the Mission District we got back on BART and headed to the Embarcadaro for a few dozen raw oysters and a different backdrop.

 

 

 

 

It was a beautiful day, with one of my favorite people, which makes me very very...

 

Namaste,

Shannan

Knock knock...

 

 

I feel the mischievous, disruptive, but ultimately positive forces of change flitting 'round my space.

But I don't know what form they are planning to take.

And that scares the crap out of me.

In dynamic times and difficult situations it is human nature to react by reaching for and clinging to the nearest thing that can buoy us through the rough waters change brings.

We latch onto people and resort to partaking in comforting but unhealthy behaviors. We long to take the low road and lash out--tempted to scream, kick, and resist.

Rarely, do we respond to change in a way that is good for ourselves.

Well, I feel you coming, Change. I see you lurking out there on the horizon. But this time I will be clinging to what is good and superior within myself; to truth, acceptance, and independence.

Namaste,

Shannan

Photo credit: Dan Zampa