"Look in the Mirror" Soul Journal Page 10/1/2012
All the pointless searching for a "soul mate." All the believing in something that doesn't exist.
Like it is really possible to find the one person that is going to fit with our unique personality perfectly; like our likes, dislike our dislikes, enhance our good traits and balance out our fucked up ones.
To really find your true soul mate...
you have to find your soul.
Then...
you have to look in the mirror.
Namaste,
Shannan
I have been so stagnant lately. Sitting around on my ass waiting for something to happen, for something to be brought to me, for inspiration.
What that means is, I have been sitting around in my skivvies watching episodes of 'Breaking Bad' back to back and not being what I call "creatively productive."
I have forced myself to sit down and write my next novel, Time Walker, but that ends up being sitting down and staring at the words I have already written, maybe moving them around a little, until I give up and go back to watching 'Breaking Bad'.
This is extremely frustrating for me because I have a complete story all laid out in my head, but for some reason I am having a hard time telling it right now.
I could force it —figuratively stick my finger down my throat and vomit Time Walker out—but sorry, that is no fun for me. And the truth of it is, if it doesn't turn me on, I ain't doin' it.
As I was wrestling with my artistic angst one day, it occurred to me, the Creative cannot be forced to manifest. It happens naturally, in its own sweet time; not like a big bang where it all appears in a perfect instant, but in the slow drip of evolution.
My soul has been telling my ego to back the fuck off and give her some space. Sure, laying on the couch for the complete second season of a kickass television show may look like I am wasting time, or it could be I am incubating, or learning how to tell an even more amazing story from it.
Time Walker will get written. It is all there.
In the meantime, I will find ways that allow the Creative to just happen, whether it is through writing, journaling, photography, or finger painting.
Namaste,
Shannan
When the road gets rough, the tough hit the road.
That's my story and I am sticking to it.
I've been told it is a bad habit: that when shit goes down, I bail. But the way I look at it, sometimes sticking around only makes things worse.
So, yeah, the other day, I started acting a fool. It's fucking embarrassing. Really. But because you all have come to expect "raw honesty" from me, I'm gonna tell you how lame I was.
But you can't laugh.
Promise?
I started making a big deal about something that in the scope of love and life, is about the size of flea shit.
Got myself all in a tizzy over it; butthurt and pouty--knotted and unhinged.
And it was all over something on Facebook.
I told you.
Stop fucking laughing.
You all have done it. Don't judge.
K. Maybe you haven't.
So, I almost fuck up something really great in my life over social media, and in my complete and utter shame, I jumped in my car and headed for the hills.
If I slip out the back and take leave for a little while my head has a miraculous way of popping back out of my ass.
Thankfully, it did.
I am seeing and thinking and acting like a mature adult again.
For today.
Right this minute.
Give me a second though, the mood could swing.
Namaste,
Shannan
So I watched Oprah today.
I don't usually watch Oprah. I have nothing against her... I just don't like sappy, overdramatized, preachy things. I like authenticity. And although she preaches authenticity - it doesn't feel authentic to me.
I want REAL. Like, really really REAL.
I like my sunshine with some clouds...
my flowers in the dirt...
I like my tears... not to be a pretty, little well-up with one sliding down my cheek.... I like tears with snot and sobs and black, mascara eyes that leave a salty rind encrusted on my face.
But I watched Oprah today, featuring Tom Shadyac, the director of Ace Ventura, Bruce Almighty, Nutty Professor, who gave up the so-f-ing-rich-and-successful life, for a REAL one.
It hooked me. It touched me. And it reminded me of several things about myself that I have let go to seed.
I haven't been living my purpose. I know my purpose. I yearn and crave to be fulfilling it. BUT I continuously put it aside and give my energy away to purposes that are not from my own heart. I get distracted and off-track.
Oprah said today.... "Each day we live not doing our heart's desire... we die a little."
That resonated with me. I know that little inkling of death. I feel it when I close my eyes at the end of a day that I have been completely out of touch with my soul's reason for being.
So I am putting a little Posty on my bathroom mirror that reads - "Follow Your Heart - OR DIE!"
Every morning... as I floss my gums... I will repeat it in my head and go into my day following my heart.
Namaste,
C H E Z
I am craving good times, with good friends...
here are some notes on a new meditation technique I am practicing...
I liked this list of "25 Things Every Woman Should Know" that I found in Elle and decided to save it forever and add some of my own.
My favorites: #9, #12, #24
and my own: "Trust in your faith and remember who you are."
I have been craving living water as much as I do air to breath...
I have been reading Keats...
and Oscar Wilde...
I have so much to say, but don't have the language to say it.
So I lay it all down in you,
in paint and in glue.
In symbols only my soul understands...
and ideas that I don't want to forget.
Namaste,
C H E Z
I have been having deliriously vivid dreams in recent months, as I am sure many of you have had as well.
My family and children have also been recounting their dreams to me and I am amazed at the detail and spiritual messages they are sharing.
I know many of us have been having "destruction" nightmares. I have had dreams of earthquakes and flooding. My daughter had one about huge meteors falling from the sky. A friend shared one about bombings and chemical attacks. Not pleasant at all!
But more often, I am hearing the most inspiring dream experiences. I have had dreams of growing wings and one in which I turned into a being of a radiant light spectrum. My youngest shared a dream where two angels came into her room and told her they were glad she was home.
These dream spaces are so comforting and amazing, I do not want to leave and can't wait to get through the day to see what the next night will bring!
Namaste,
C H E Z
Stranded Bike - Bolinas, CA
I have reached the part of my vacation where I no longer have anything to do. This is the part that really defines vacation ~ a vacation should be a respite from every doing. I have no chores to catch up on, no projects to complete, no assignments due, no functions to attend, it is a blank slate.
I think this is the first time since my adolescence to have such a luxury to enjoy. I do what it is I want to do right in the moment.
I made chocolate chip cookies. I watched a movie. I transformed some photographs. I listened to some music. I meditated. I made spaghetti. I took a bath. I drank a cup of coffee. Each a spontaneous, I-feel-like-doing-this-right-now activity.
Thespian - ACT Theatre, San Francisco
It is the epitomy of freedom. I want to live like this always!
Yo-Yo - Stanislaus County Fair
One of my inspired moments was to re-vamp my blog. I wanted to simplify it visually, to make it easier to read, and to allow my images a little more space. Ta-da! Let me know what you think.
My blog has been like a symphony during warm-up; a sharp violin, a stroke of the cello, a couple of taps on the drum; a little art, a little spirituality, a little of the day to day. I am feeling the need to bring it together, really align it with my purpose in life.
Palace Angel - Palace of Fine Arts San Francisco
This is still just a flavor of an idea in my imagination I have yet to fully flesh out. Once I do, I will post my clarified vision and purpose. Hopefully, it will still align with you, my dear reader.
Namaste,
C H E Z
I have been learning so many new ways to enhance and play with my photographs the last few months, I thought it would be fun to go through old photographs and enhance them in new ways.
Photoshop is an amazing tool!
I do not have to carry a poloroid, my LOMO, and my Rebel anymore. With photoshop, some textures, a few custom brushes, and cool actions, you can create the photo you wish you had taken.
Here is a list of my must haves if you want to play with Photoshop:
First - take a simple online photomanipulation course. My favorite: Susan Tuttle's Visual Poetry classes. She provides simple step by step instructions and has such a soft sweet spirit.
Second - Invest in a few Photoshop Creative magazines. Each issue has different assignments PLUS they come with a CD with fonts and brushesand video tutorials, well worth $16! I always find my copies at Borders.
Third - Check out FLICKR group Textures for Layers, where you can download textures for just a photocredit.
And last, for actions and presets that enhance your photos with ONE click of a button, head on over to Cinnamon Rose, where you can purchase sets for as little as $20.
Happy Creating!
Namaste,
C H E Z
The latest wave of challenges has been a mighty one and though we have been trying our best to regain our equilibrium, we haven't managed to do this in the way we would like; with loving and polite manners.
Jeff and I, like most married couples I assume, rely heavily on each other for support. Neither of us have a large group of friends or even a close friend that we turn to with our troubles. Jeff is my best friend and I am his. This is a wonderful thing, until we are both floundering. It is the cautionary tale of trying to save a drowning person without getting drowned yourself.
I wish I could say that I behave like the Dalai Lama in times of trouble, all peaceful and compassionate-like.
Uh.... no.
But I am pretty sure the Dalai Lama has not gone through what I have gone through.
It would be a curious thing to witness the saints during times of trouble. Wouldn't it?
Did they weep?
Did they yell?
Did they rail against God?
Did crack open the red wine?
Or did they always behave like a saint?
Maybe they did, all pious and tranquil, but I am pretty sure there has never been a saint that was married with children and that is a game changer, right there.
So here is to all you wives and husbands, moms and dads, who do not always act perfect, but go on loving deeply and forgiving long. The saints ain't got nothing on us.
These challenging times put us all to the test. There is not a person I meet lately that is not going through some type of significant challenge; physical/medical, financial, relationships... The planet is a pressure cooker of drama.
I do not like it, but it does provide one thing that the good times do not - an opportunity to expand our understanding of who and what we are really made of.
When times are good, we all live fat, dumb and happy. Unconscious bliss is an intoxicating thing. In its vapors we do not grow or evolve. Tribulations call us to be something greater and stronger. We get real. We find our priorities. We cannot be an island unto ourselves and we create community. We decide that God might be something we'd like to have a relationship with.
I am on a fast track of learning how NOT to get carried away by the chaos. This is a lesson I have yet to master. I feel the quaking in my bones on the verge of erupting at all times. But I think I know the solution:
Stay in the NOW place!
Yeah.... I know... this isn't a new revelation. We have all heard about the NOW a million times. It has always sounded like a good theory to me, but is not practical in the real life of marriage, career and parenting 4 children.
Well, you know what? When life feels like it is circling the drain, NOW is all we got.
Very recently ~ like in the last couple of days ~ I have really been cacooning myself in the NOW. As soon as I turn my attention to the past or start worrying about the future, the spin and vertigo starts. As long as I chill in the NOW, I find a holy calm and actually feel some joy.
I am going to keep trying this NOW thing out and see if I can prove that it is more than just a good idea.
Namaste,
C H E Z
"...life is always lived on the edge, along the elusive border between order and chaos. What we call normality is a narrow bandwidth ~ a fraction of a degree more or less, and everything spins out of control. Along this margin, reason and madness are simultaneously joined and separated by a membrane so thin and porous that one inevitably bleeds into the other.
No matter how hard I think or how much I analyze, I can never know myself by myself but must always come to myself in and through another. This other bears many names ~ it can be a parent, teacher or pastor who gaze we flee or guidance we seek. The other can be the enemy we struggle to destroy, the beloved in whom we long to lose ourselves, or the child in whose eyes we see our own reflection. They might be ghosts who have departed or demons that possess us. The deeper I probe, however, the more I suspect that beneath and beyond, or within these uncanny spirits, both holy and unholy, there is an other other I can never fathom, that some name the unconscious and others name God."
Mark C Taylor, Field Notes from Elsewhere
I did not want to wake up this morning.
The pressure of life felt too great.
I have been carrying around an enormous bundle of burdens ~ for weeks and weeks. ALL other people's stuff.... not really my own... but when you see that they are too heavy for your loved ones to carry around by themselves, it is so easy to unconsciously say, "Here, gimme some of that..... let me lighten your load."
There is a reasons our spiritual teachers tell us NOT TO DO THIS. Boy howdy doody have I been a mess! All clogged up and heavy heavy heavy. Manifesting physical pain in my body, my muscles twitching from the strain.
It came to a crux where I knew I was beyond helping myself. I could no longer really see myself to know what to release.... what is me? what is them? Who's energy is who's around here?
I started looking for a light worker who would understand my language and see my issue. I was willing to travel. San Francisco? Marin? Sacramento? Sedona? South America?
I started prowling around the web... Googling "energy work" and "intuitive healers". I pulled up 100 websites looking for a person with the right energy. Finally I pulled up a page... I have no idea how I got there, and there she was. I instantly recognized her as the one. And guess where I found her?
Modesto.
Yeah..... right here in my own God-forsaken little community.
I practically limped into her sweet, little sanctuary today... praying, praying, praying, I would find relief, but kind of afraid that I was too far gone to get any.
If you have never had energy work done, you would probably judge it strange, someone working on an invisible space that you cannot see with your physical eyes. After the work is done.... or even while it is done..... you would be amazed at the shift... both in spirit and physically.
It truly is a miracle!
I can see myself again!
If you are ever in the Modesto area and are looking awesome Massage Therapy/Energy Work, I highly recommend Andrya Lopez.
Namaste,
C H E Z
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