Last night, as the full Harvest Moon hefted its massive weight over the distant foothills to the east, I sighed with relief. How could something so bright and beautiful, bear such enormous weight on my soul?
The restless nights, the dark dreams, the intense emotions that well up from the deep, these are not unusual during the final days of any moon cycle. But the lunacy of this particular moon felt like it had been building up far longer than the standard 28 days. I felt the pressure building inside for a very long time. A year perhaps?
There has been a deep dissatisfaction roiling around in my innards. I have been living from a place called "I Have To."
"I have to do this... because I have to do this... because I have to do this... because... because... because because because..."
But this equation stopped adding up when many of the core becauses in my life disappeared or grew up. Marriages. Children. They were good reasons to give up "I wants" for the "I have to's".
But they no longer hold reign, and every time I find myself saying "I have to" a nagging "why?" answers. And it's right.
Many of the things I have "had to" do have stopped making sense. They not only don't feel right, they didn't feel GOOD. My mind, my body, my spirit, ache.
I bore it a long time, but lately, realized...something has to change.
I HAVE TO CHANGE.
Rather than rushing into a quick fix in order to solve the problem, I have sat with it. I embraced the discomfort, held it close, and listened to its heartbeat. The process has looked, and felt, like depression, but I didn't let it go or shake it off. I wanted to make sure that this time, I heard it clearly.
I let the uncomfortable build, let it wax full and pregnant within me until it gave up its secrets. Until, finally, it spoke.
My life is not sustainable operating the way I have been for so many years. Forcing myself to continue this way is not an option.
Photo Composite: Dan Zampa
This moon, with her ever-increasing gravitational pull, stirred up a sea of emotions in me: fear, anxiety, doubt, uncertainty...but I held steady, trusting in the wisdom, the truth that is inside me. And then, under her soft glow, I planted some seeds into the warm soil of late summer.
They are the potent seeds of transformation.
I am trusting them to the earth where they are grounded and can take root.
I will tend to them; nourishing, caring, loving, minding them through the cold dormancy of winter, the fertility of spring, the celebration of summer, until the next Harvest Moon, when these seeds will come to fruition.