Trying to recall the moment I lost my Self.
Was it back during the awkward days of puberty when I sacrificed pieces of myself to be more like my peers?
Was it when I gave birth to my children and gave up my dreams in order to provide stability and security for them?
Was it when I began a career in a profession I was capable of but didn't love, and began going through the motions in exchange for a paycheck?
Was it during each of of my failed relationships when I abandoned my needs in order to fulfill my partner's?
Was I ever a Self?
Do I have a Self to find?
Maybe she is in there somewhere...lost in the Valley of the Shadows of D... Disillusionment, Denial, Despair, Deep Dissatisfaction and Death--Death of the self that isn't my Self.
I reached the tipping point in April of this year when I fully arrived at the mid-life pinnacle and crossed its border. But turning 45 wasn't the beginning of a leisurely descent. It was a cliff.
Suddenly, I can't see. Well, I can. But only in the posture of the middle aged.
My arm only extends so far!!!! And it's fucking embarrassing trying to read your iPhone from 3 feet away.
I can't sleep. I'm my grandpa, waking up at 4am, contemplating taking a walk to the donut shop.
I can't remember for shit.
Like what I ate for breakfast.
That was only an hour ago.
Oh yeah, I DON'T EAT BREAKFAST!
I have to make lists. I used to be able to manage every single thing in my life and my partner's and my children's all in my head. It has to be on paper now. And I forget to do that!
Worse, I don't give a shit. I'm like, "Fuck it. I don't want to do that shit anyway."
And not just the shit on the lists I forget...even the shit I used to LIKE to do before.
I lost desire and drive for the things I used to love. Or thought I loved, but don't really know if I love anymore.
I am frustrated and confused.
But mostly, I'm scared.
I am in free fall and haven't hit bottom.
On the bright side, I still have time to figure out how to fly.