The move is complete.
I am in my new place and it is such an awesome space! A real sanctuary. A house of glass that lets in the dappled sunlight and views of lush vegetation that surround the property. A fountain bubbles outside my bedroom windows and birds flit in and out of the courtyards.
I love it so so so so much!
It has been so much work: the planning, the packing, the heaving and hefting, the loading and unloading, and finding the perfect places for all the crap I have acquired over 43 years.
Add to that the emotional baggage and bureaucratic processes of a divorce...
I have been so busy I haven’t had time to really think. Or really feel.
I had a moment alone last night. Kelsea was at work. Mattea was with friends. It was just me, alone with my thoughts and my feelings.
When the busy stops, I grieve.
Not over the loss of the person, because when I am with him, I feel alone ~ which is more frustrating and disappointing than actually being alone.
No. I grieve the loss of the IDEA of love. I grieve the loss of the fantasy I built my life around and upon. I just propped up the reality of the relationship on the ideals I desired and called it so.
But it was like a pretty teacup. It looked good on the shelf, with its trips and events, but when I tried to drink from it, it held nothing to quench my real thirst. A pretty, empty, cup.
So I am creating this new space, a new cup, that I fill with positive, fortunate, and abundant changes that I can drink from and actually be sustained.
C H E Z