ORIGINAL BLISS

I Am Not Ready to Die

I know, freaky comment. But it is the question of the day for Day 19 - Facing Your Death - of Soul Coaching by Denise Linn.

I was to imagine sitting in a rocking chair at the end of my life contemplating these questions:

1. Are you ready to die?
2. Do I feel at peace with the life that I've lived - complete?
3. If not, what would I have done differently?
4. What would you have done less of or more of?

I look at life always from right now. Working in a 911 dispatch center, I am reminded that any day, any moment, can be your last.
Today could be the end of my life.
It sounds morbid.
And I think most people extinguish those thoughts before they flame.
I don't.
I contemplate them.

Every phone call where a man is standing talking to his wife one minute - or enjoying a holiday meal with his family - and then keels over the very next of a massive heart attack and is dead before 911 is even called - reminds me.
Every fatal car accident -- I think what if that was me?
Am I ready?
The answer is no.

I don't care if I live to be 115 - I still don't think I'll be ready until I have no choice in the matter and it happens. There is always something to do - to learn - to explore - to communicate - to love.

I know my spirit is eternal. But I like what I get to do with my body. It allows my consciousness to express and create!

I feel the spirit of passed loved ones at times, and share a thought or a laugh... but I can't hug them or give them a kiss or hear their voice and see the light in their eyes.

You need a body for that.

So I am going to cherish every moment I breathe and feel the pulse in my veins. And I will not take LIVING for granted.

Namaste,

C H E Z

Shadow Puppets

Light shines on our hands,
not allowed to pass through,
throwing shadows on the walls in the candlelight.

Fingers twining and spreading.
Pretending to talk to each other,
play with each other.

Funny,
they look like they touch each other,
but they do not.
Various shades of gray,
forgetting
they are hands.

Were it the light that was allowed to dance on our walls
what would we see?
Is it the darkness that allows us to speak?
To hear?
To understand?
Is light untouchable?

My heart speaks
"mercy"
"i'm lost"
"i hurt"
"i don't know who i am"
"i don't know
if i'll ever know"

How empty of a vessel must I be
before I can be filled again?

When light passes through my heart
what gray shadow is cast on my reality?

How deep a hue of darkness?

My heart sings -

"be"

Namaste,

C H E Z

Photo: Suisse Maman -Living Outside Comfort Zone

Draggin' Ass!

I have been keeping up with each day of Soul Coaching. I have just been unable to share it because my "Elite High Speed Internet" is having very major issues. Is that telling me something??? I think it is. I just haven't figured it out yet.

This is FIRE week! I have been looking forward to this week since the beginning. It was the reason I committed to the process - to get to this week. And let me tell ya, I must be feeling fiery because I wasn't able to sleep - AT ALL - last night. 

Not. 

One. 

Wink. 

And poor Jeff, he laid there all night wide awake as well. Nothing in particular was keeping either of us awake - except for energy. And I so wanted to sleep, too. 

When Jeff got up this morning at 6:30, I decided I better get out of bed because if I fell asleep then I wouldn't wake up until 6 tonight!

Anyone else experiencing sleep issues?

Needless to say, I am not quite the bundle of energy today as I'd like to be. I'm draggin' ass. 

Dance while I am doing dishes?? Please. I was able to get dressed. I think that will be the major accomplisment for today.

Genie at Reality Insanity* tagged me yesterday! Yippee!!! It is really really nice to be appreciated!

Here are the rules:

   1. Link to the person or persons who tagged you.

   2. Post the rules on your blog.

   3. Write six random things about yourself.

   4. Tag six people at the end of your post and link to them.

   5. Let each person know they’ve been tagged and leave a comment on their blog.

   6. Let the tagger know when your entry is up.

SIX RANDOM THINGS:

• I don't like Thanksgiving food. I don't like the turkey, or the ham, cranberry sauce, stuffing... yuk. All I eat on Thanksgiving is the hor d'oevres, most importantly the Ruffles and dip.
• If someone opens a bag of Ruffles and there is any dip around, I will stand over it and eat it until it is gone. I can pass on cake, cookies, ice cream, and candy. I CANNOT PASS ON RUFFLES.
• I love white food... sour cream, cream cheese, mayo --- everything gets mayo on it. As much as I complain about my weight - I cannot stop the white food. 
• I can still do the splits, cartwheels, roundoffs, and back bends. I don't know if this is unusual or not for a 40 year old, but I am pretty impressed about it. 
• I have to rub my feet together as I am falling asleep. It relaxes me. I don't think it is restless leg syndrom - I just like to do it. My family says I have massize body heaves when I fall asleep, especially when I am really exhausted.
• I wear men's underwear. How come they make men's underwear so it doesn't ride up your butt, but ladies panties always slip? Or is it because of the mayo?

SIX BLOGS I SOOOOOOOOOOO APPRECIATE:

1. Louise

2. Christine

3. Vanessa - A Fanciful Twist

4. Amusing Muses

5. Debra

6. Mary Ann

Namaste!

C H E Z

I Am So Great/Full Typepad Finally Let Me Compose A Post!

What an unbelievable frustration... my internet connection is running slower than the economy!

Yesterday was Day 12 – the Being Still – Doing Nothing day of our Soul Coaching journey.

It was also Day 4 of Week 1 for my trainee at work.

If you think being a 911 dispatcher is a stressful job – try being a 911 dispatcher with only 3 days on the job, trying to learn how to answer 911, with a trainer standing over your shoulder watching everything you do and barking orders like a drill sergeant and a room full of dispatchers and cops with our foul mouths mouths and sick sense of humor…

Try being the trainer, trying to train the new-as-new-can-be dispatcher… getting her to understand crime, to not stress out, making sure she doesn't accidentally kill someone instead of saving them, and have to still answer her own phones and dispatch medical calls, a structure fire, and then have the power go out in the city.

Overwhelming for us both.

My girl has been a trooper. She has been very determined and studying hard, even on her off-duty time - and being new to midnight shift she had only been able to sleep 2 hours a day and she is still maintaining a positive attitude.

My profession is one of the hardest professions to learn. The washout rate is high. I think we have only passed 5% of the people who have come in with no experience. She has a challenge ahead of her. And I have to do my best to help her for the few weeks I have her.

Yesterday I told her – “When you go home today, BE STILL. Take care of yourself. DO NOTHING.”

She came in for work last night with bright eyes and a surge of confidence and said she slept from 7am until 5pm!

What a blessing!

She also kicked ass. Sometimes doing nothing and being still actually propels us forward a lot faster than overworking it. Isn't that strange? Isn't that cool?!

I, on the other hand, am exhausted. For 4 days I have had this excruciating pain in my should and neck workin' it's way into my skull.

BUT TODAY I AM Great/Full

When I went to bed I chose to be great/full.
I am ecstatically grateful that tonight is my Friday!
T.G.T.G.T.G.T.G.T.G.T.G.I.F!!!!!!!

And this week - I have 4 days off!!!!!!

And I woke up this afternoon with neck pain ALL GONE! I thought I was going to have to go to the emergency room it was so bad. And I woke up... and I have full range of motion and no pain. THAT is a MIRACLE!

And then I sold 2 pairs of earrings!

And then TypePad let me post a post FINALLY.

And Kelsea's Senior Portraits arrived and I think they are just beautiful! The rest of her shots are here!

 

I am blessed.

Just let me make it through one more 11 hour shift.

Namaste,

C H E Z

Spirit Kisses

Spirit moves through the air and brushes my cheek - a soft kiss - reminding me it loves me.

DAY 11 - Soul Coaching - Relationships.

I think I needed a week for this day's topic. There was so much to process and feel it would fill a novel. But I'll try break it down so I don't put anyone to sleep!

RELATIONSHIP PATTERNS - When I get really angry, I don't want to fight. It will be all blubbering and tears or on an unlucky day I'll slit your throat with my tongue. I have a wicked sharp tongue. It magically knows your weak spot and will slash you where it hurts. In a heated disagreement I feel it start to throb - and like the Incredible Hulk I have to run off to my room before I use it. Sometimes I make it to my room and time myself out. 

I realized that there are two things that get me that upset.

1. When I don't feel like I am heard. If you hear me and disagree - that's okay. If you hear me and misunderstand that's okay, as long as you can hear what I was really trying to say. But if you don't listen or ignore or dismiss or invalidate... my tongue starts throbbing.

2. When my feelings get hurt.

The running to my room goes back to being a teen. The room was "safe". I could cry, scream in my pillow, cuss, and hate you... then calm down, think, process and figure out what the root trigger was, then reemerge with the ability to have a discussion, apologize if necessary and "make up".

WOE TO THE PERSON WHO INVADES THE BEDROOM WHILE I AM DECOMPRESSING. Mr. Hyde is still in that room!

I think I have finally shown my husband how giving myself a time out benefits our relationship and contributes to peace on Earth.

I also realized how GUILTY I feel about my anger. How I judge myself as evil for getting or feeling angry. Anger is not something you can put in a box - and NOT LISTEN TO... it turns into rage. I don't need to work on trying not to be angry. I need to work at listening to it. And I think my "time outs" give space for anger to communicate with me.

PARENTAL RELATIONSHIPS

I was mostly raised by my mother, a creative, free spirit who had an anger issue as well when I was growing up. It is the space that I first felt I wasn't listened to. And it is the relationship that was the most combustible. I definitely learned that pattern there.

Having my own children, I hope I have broken the pattern for them by giving them a voice. They are not my "friends", but they are respected and listened to and shared with. They don't have the anger issues that I had as a teen. They don't scream at me that they hate me, or lock themselves in their rooms. So hopefully, by giving them a voice, they'll manage their anger better than I have managed mine.

I have a good relationship with my mother now. We respect and love each other. She gave me my untethered creativity.

I only saw my father 4 or 5 days a year. My birthday, half of Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, a school shopping day, and sometimes another day for a trip to the lake water skiing. It was not as much as I would have liked.

I idealized him as a child. He was perfect, intelligent, successful and he smelled good. When I went out on my own I became really angry, I felt abandoned, and rejected, and questioned why he didn't spend more time with me. I sat down and wrote him a letter. My wicked tongue was allowed full reign.

The day after he got the letter, there was a knock on my door.
It was him.
With my letter.
And we sat and talked about everything in the letter and all the whys and regrets.  I can't find a word that describes the depth of what that meant to me.
I was important enough - and he listened.

We began to build a relationship. It was based on who we are as adults. Today, I spend more time with him and my step mom, Diana than any other members of my family. He is one of my favorite people. I have a lot of respect for him. I love him dearly.

And he still smells good!

SPIRIT
My mom tells me that my Grandma Lil used to take me to her Baptist church when I was little.
I don't remember.
I know I remembered all the songs and would sing them to myself while I walked in the pastures on our little ranch.
Somewhere deep I knew that Jesus DID love me.  I really felt that love. Like I knew my Dad loved me although I didn't see him much, I could understand that although I didn't see Jesus either, I could feel that unconditional love of Jesus/God/Creator.

I bought into the religious dogma for a while. But it went against the core truth of what I felt in my soul. All I know is unconditional love. Not matter what. Even when people use their free will to royally fuck up their own life and the lives of others - love is still the Truth.

I've read my Bible several times, studied some Hinduism, Buddhism, New Ageism... there are profound  lessons in all of them.

But, for me, it is like a big wheel... the spokes of the wheel are the different paths to the ALL.
The closer you move to the hub, to center, the less important the path that is getting you there.
The closer I get to God/Creator/Spirit I see how I am a part of it and it is a part of me. And that everything around me is a part of it and it is a part of everything. Unconditionally. From that space I can love everyone as I love myself.

That's my take on it.
You can wake up now! ;-)

Namaste,

C H E Z

11:11 & Feeling the Juice!

I am feeling very juicy today! Even though it is my Monday and I go back to work with a trainee which makes work double intense...

I got a lot accomplished this weekend. I designed and created 19 pairs of earrings for the Hand Born Bazaar on November 29th! I took my family out to dinner. Went for a walk with my husband. And cooked a couple of dinners!

I have so many more ideas and creative juice built up in me I feel I may leak!

Top Ten Things that Juice Me Up!

1. Playing with art! Painting, journaling, collage, little recycled paper earrings!

2. Enjoy some of the finest, lushest wine on a Sunday with my Dad and step-mom and husband. Sippin', Snackin' & Sharin'.

3. A goooooood cup of hot coffee in the morning - or afternoon - or evening.

4. Sitting on the porch with Jeff, talking about our love and enjoying our home. Feeling blessed and abundant. Esspecially juicy in the rain!

5. Going for a walk or a bike ride.

6. Road trips to Mendocino, Carmel, San Francisco, Yosemite.

7. Driving in my car singing as loud as I want to tunes on the ipod! Good thing I like this so much - I commute 2 hours a day!

8. Sharing and laughing with my co-workers on a slow shift. They are almost as twisted and wackadoo as I am... almost.

9. Working on starting my business. I love even the business part - creating inventory forms and invoices - planning my taxes!!! Juicy!

10. Watching my teenage daughter become a woman. Applying herself to school, committed to her job, making money, exploring her independence. I can't believe she'll be off to college in less than 10 months. But I am so proud of her and that is juicy!

Top Zappers!

1.Drs. appointments. I hate making them, calling them, going to them, going with family to them and sitting in the waiting room. Thankfully, we don't have to go much! 

2. Administration matters at work. I like my job - the actually work. But the emails, policies, and memos suck it right out of me.

3. Cleaning up other people's mess. I love cleaning my house. I love straightening things up. I don't like cleaning up or picking up what others have haplessly left laying around. Kids stuff just left wherever. Co-workers who leave there dirty dishes all day in the sink so when I work on midnights they think I am going to wash their dishes. Sucks it right out of me!

4. The biggest zapper of all. Energy Vampires! I have gotten pretty good at identifying the chronic vampires. I can usually spot them a mile away. Users, who only come around when they want something. One-ways, people who it's all about them and there is no equal exchange. I know those and keep my distance. They don't suck me in.

BUT --- the ones that really get to me are the Hit and Runners. They zap you in an instant and then act like they're the cat's meow. You know the ones... when you are feeling really shiny and bright - enthusiastic, joyful... and they pop the bubble.  Usually by saying something diminishing or invalidating to you... Know any of those?

It's just mean. It's something they learned in Jr. High- to put others down so they feel better about themselves. And my inner middle schooler STILL GETS HER FEELINGS HURT!

What I have learned to do is "dim" myself down. I pretend I am "humble". I don't toot my own horn. I minimize myself and my art so that others won't get an inferiority complex and lash out. But now that I am starting a business and selling jewelry and art I have to --- self promote.

What's the cure for this?  I am tired of putting my light under a bushel so that others will feel better - how co-dependent of me! But I don't think my gut reaction response of "f*@k off" is appropriate.

Any suggestions on how to politely put a hit and runner in their place?

Just writing about it zapped me. I'm going to take some photographs of my earrings - That will juice me up again!

Namaste,

C H E Z

Meaning in All Things

Today's lesson really gave me pause for thought. It takes a great burden off my heart and soul realizing that events in my life only have the meaning that I give to them. Not the meaning that others may assign to them. It helped me to release a lot of shame and guilt and dispair.

In March of this year, my husband and I were driving home from a wine tasting event that we attended with my parents. I hadn't been feeling well all day. Being a dispatcher and sitting for ultra long hours without breaks messes up my digestive and intestinal system. The night before the event I had taken some medication, but it didn't work... until we were on the long drive home from Pebble beach to Modesto.

We had the top on the convertible down which was awesome, until it got too windy, and the medicine kicked in. I started telling my husband that we needed to pull over. But he couldn't hear me over the wind and traffic noise and the stereo he had blasting to compensate for the wind and traffic noise. Several times I had to lean over to his side of the car and yell at him that I needed to pull over.

Well, it took him a while. I don't know if he was waiting for a safe spot, or if he still didn't understand HOW BAD IT WAS - I think he forgot I had taken the medication. At one point I thought he was going to pull over, and grabbed the door handle. I didn't realize it at the time, but the door unlatched, and jostled as we drove.

When he didn't pull over at the perfect spot - I really became agitated and yelled at him to pull the f*#ing car over!

He heard me then! And he whipped the car onto the shoulder in fron of a call box.  I bent over and put my boots back on. I took them off because of the long drive and my feet hurt. After getting my shoes on, I jumped out of the car, and ran up the side of a high hill and buried myself deep into the chapparrel so no one from the freeway could see me.

Long story short. When the Sheriff's deputies brought me down from the hill, my husband was already in handcuffs. 

They arrested him for 243.e1 (Spousal Battery). NONE of the 20 officers and deputies onscene would listen to me. One of them told me it didn't matter what I said "battered women lie for their husbands all the time." It didn't matter that I AM in Law Enforcement. It didn't matter that I had not one red mark on my body.

A man driving by called 911 and told them that my husband was beating me on my head, my neck, and shoulders. And so they put my husband in jail, gave him a restraining order, towed my car, and drove me to a diner with no money and a dead cell phone to wait until family could come get me. My closest family was 3 hours away.

After hiring lawyers, spending 5 months in court and $20,000... still with no one willing to listen to me --- they never let me speak ---- we accepted a plea bargain for a crime my husband didn't commit. We were looking at having to spend another $10,000 to go to a trial, and with 4 kids - one getting ready for college, we decided to cut our losses, and accept a conviction of a lesser charge.

This event has caused me a lot of anguish. I had been full of rage for several months and thought that if I kept feeling this toxic for much longer - it would kill my spirit and suffocate my soul. 

In August of this year, I pulled out every art supply I own and set up a studio in my living room. I decided that that event does not define me. I define me.

Jeff and I have search for the meaning of why this event happened for us. For the past 2 years, we having been living the good life. Newlyweds. Taking a weekend a month to take a road trip somewhere together. Getting massages. Going to meditation retreats... but never have a higher plan or goal for our life. Not that enjoying life, isn't awesome - but there is more out there for us to do and be. And it set my priorities straight about my soul mission, for sure.

We are still working at finding meaning for Jeff. It has been a lot harder for him. He has to go to Domestic Violence classes 2 hours a week for a year, 40 hours of community service, and another $1500 in fines to pay. I know there is a meaning in there for him though - it's just a little harder to find it.

Long post. I have not shared it with anybody but my closest friends and family - who have been with us EVERY STEP OF THE WAY!

It seemed appropriate today, because there is meaning in every little thing. Every BIG thing. Every "good" thing. And every "ugly" thing. EVERYTHING!

Namaste,

C H E Z

Playing Jesus to Moses

  

Afloat on the depths of emotion, still as glass.

Reflecting on the perfect mirror of the surrounding landscape,

a steadfast, immovable container of fluidity.

An unknown source from the dark, deep beneath

sends a shudder through the weighted vastness.

A million tiny ripples break the surface.

Fragmented shards shatter across the calm

unable to reflect reality.

Dancing stars of light play upon dark shadows.

They finger out.

Reach for me.

Call for me to follow.

Rock my boat.

“Go back from which you came.”

My commandment.

And waving fingers beat their retreat,

inhaling the calm into the deep.

A soft sigh and

peace

again.

 

Whenever my heart is discontent I move toward water.

When my husband and I take road trips, our J & Shay days, it is either to the ocean, a lake, a running stream or river.

When I am desperate, ready to blow, or have already lost it, I run a bath.

Every major boo hoo in my life has been in a bathtub filled with warm water. Even with the weight of the world and the heaviest of hearts, I can still float in a bath.

 

Today is day 8 and the first day of water week. I am bracing myself, hoping I don’t spend so much time in the bath that I prune up!

 

In contemplating my life, and its many turning points, one particular turning point stands out most vividly – with a tinge of regret.

 

When I graduated high school, I really wanted to get away from my, at that time, small hometown. I wanted to move in with my father, go to college, and audition for the American Conservatory Theatre in San Francisco.  

 

My mother must not have been ready for me to leave home, because she had my step-father tell me that my father didn’t want me living with him. So I enrolled in the local Junior College and started classes. Three weeks later, my father called wanting to know when he could come over and help me move. He had job and school applications waiting for me.

 

I felt so betrayed. I was resentful and enraged. So I drove myself down to the Air Force recruiter and joined the military. It changed the whole course of my life. I never got back on the path that I’d dreamed of for so long.

 

When something or someone “gets in the way” of a goal or dream I am working toward, even if it is as small as getting the floor mopped, I get a rush of resentment and frustration --- way more than the situation deserves. But mopping the floor is not a dream being usurped, for crying out loud!

 

Of course, I am just realizing this pattern and its conception – 22 freakin’ years later!!!!

 

I guess it’s better to figure it out now - while I still have time to change!

 

Namaste,

 

C H E Z

Art & Soul

Day 7 - Soul Coaching - Exploring My Soul's Mission in Life

I have felt overwhelmed and discombobulated ALL DAY LONG about today's chapter. It is a thrilling question to ask myself... BUT IT IS SO HUGE!!!! So much significance and import. My mind started swimming.

So I sat with my moleskine on my lunch break asking the question, "Why am I here?"

And I listened for like, 10 seconds.

Then - loud and clear - this statement shouted in my head,
"GET A PASSPORT!"
Well, that isn't a soul's mission in life. WTF?

The statement was infused with excitement and light.

It took me back to when I turned 18 and took off to Japan - alone - for 6 weeks.
And to when I joined the Air Force and lived in Japan for 2 years and the third world country of Texas.
I reminded me that when I was younger, I wanted a career that took me around the world.
Maybe a foreign correspondent for NBC, or a writer for the AP, or a photographer for Time.

I want to travel again. And I want to travel doing what I love.
No, it is not my soul's mission. But it got my mind playing with the idea of my mission, because of where my mission can take me. It can take me around the world and allow me to fulfill my youthful dream.

I want to create art.
I want to display my art in galleries and restaurants.
I want to continue teaching workshops about Soul Journaling.
I want to write a book.
I want to facilitate soul journaling workshops for at-risk teenagers.
I want to merge the art of life with the soul of it.

I have been on 2 paths my whole life. Creating art and exploring consciousness. It is time to bring that together.

Namaste,

C H E Z

Soaking In the Drala!

Like sunshine.
Magic flowing effortlessly into my space, my life.
Into my morning cup of joe.
I drink it up.
It infuses my insides
with peace
joy
enthusiasm.
I synchronize my soul with the essence of now.

And it is my Friday.
I get 4 days off.
On a weekend.
With my whole family here.
And my art waiting to play with me.
It's easy to feel the magic!

New Slang - The Shins

Namaste,

C H E Z