ORIGINAL BLISS

Ghosts of Infants Past

“Memory, which so confounds our waking life with anticipation and regret, may well be our one true earthly consolation when time slips out of joint.”

Keith Donohue “The Stolen Child”

I’ve been in the process of a transition.

Ultimately that’s all life is, right? Just one endless transition:

Conception -> Birth -> Childhood -> Puberty -> Young Adulthood -> Marriage -> Parenthood -> Advancing Age -> Death.

Large cycles embedded by many mini-cycles of change.

Most of the time we just flow in these spirals of evolution, taking them for granted as the natural part of three-dimensional living that they are. And then there are the hiccups that throw us off the loop.

If you’ve followed this blog for very long, you know several large vortexes of change collided in my life and I have been floundering in the undertow. You wake up and wonder if all the ideas you had faith in are just fantasy.

I think this is what is called a “mid-life” crisis.

It has been a year long battle to keep my head above water and on straight.

Recently, I have been giving up the fight and relaxing into the chaos. Lo and behold! The undertow has eased up on its intent of sucking me under and I have found myself flowing effortlessly and humorously in the turbulence.

This post is not about an overwhelming saga. It is about a persistent, high nostalgia that sweeps in uninvited.

My eldest daughter is a month away from moving away to college. Mattea is fast upon her heels. My rational, understanding self is proud and excited.

But I am haunted by their changlings; the molted ghosts of their infancy and childhood. 

A nagging grief that sneaks up on me and takes my breath away…

in the glitter stars on the velvet dress of a little girl in the library...

in the note of crayon flowers that flutters out of an old journal...

in the loose images hiding in old shoe boxes.

It was a heartbeat ago that these beings were mine...

and now they are so much their own.

 

There is not much guidance around for working through this transition.

Everybody has such ready advise for growing up,

but wisdom goes mute on matters of growing old.

 

Namaste,

C H E Z

F@%K the Flock!

 

"F@%K the Flock!"

You have to know when to nest and when to fly away. When you are not being supported in evolving into your true, authentic, highest self, flutter on.

My husband, Jeff, has been struggling with this situation at his job for several years. He is a passionate, forward thinker, always thinking of ways to accomplish more with less, save money and streamline processes. You think this would have been embraced by the government organization he worked for for 7 years (minus his tour of duty in Iraq).

Wrong-o Dong-o.

People and organizations will resist change and new ideas no matter how positive or beneficial or NECESSARY they are. They will hold on to the status quo as long as they can. If they are not personally affected it can all stay the same - until it all falls down.

If you are looking around at your world today and wondering why it isn't getting better yet, it's because no one really wants to make the changes that will make a difference.

It was time for Jeff to move along a long time ago... but, again, why change unless you are forced to?

I have always said, "The Universe gives you signs and proddings when it is time to make changes. If you don't choose to change - the Universe WILL change you for you - and if the Universe is forced to make the changes - it can get really ugly. It's better to heed the signs and evolve then let the Universe do it for you." 

Yes - I said that.

I have pretty wise ideas that I fail to follow all the time.

I am hoping we have got the clue now and have been making the changes we so needed. I am feeling I am living more authentically - not 100% there yet - but I know where I need to be and ideas of how to get there.

Jeff, in his new unemployed state, is figuring that out now. Hopefully he is figuring out that he needs to find a flock that will embrace and support his gifts rather then shit on them.

Playing catch up today. Putting my studio space back in order, updating "the books", and paying taxes.

Real fun.

real..... fun....

While organizing I did discover some paper and materials for one of the infinite project ideas that has been skipping around my head. So my reward for doing all the bad things will be to start my next weaving project. YAY!

Jeff is being creative in the back yard. He is building garden planters for our fall garden. We spent over an hour buying wood and tools at Home Depot this morning. Since he was laid off 3 weeks ago he has lots of extra time to get this project complete in time for planting! 

Good news though - he is in the hiring process for a new job. I have a feeling he'll have just enough time to finish the Sinclair Family Organic Home Farm before going back to a 9-5 grind. That's the mock up!

Tell me a man working with power tools isn't hot! ;-)

Namaste,

C H E Z

Luna Tics

"Ethereal"

Last night was another "crazy" night at 911. The full moon peaked on the 7th, but there was a lot of residual lune-y left in the air. YES! The full moon effects people! It is not a myth.

Usually 911 callers are either ignorant or belligerent (with the occasional actual emergency). The past two nights, callers were BOTH ignorant AND belligerent. I can be patient with one or the other, but the combo kills me.

I spent my lunch break in the kitchen elbow deep in Gel Medium and Modge Podge putting the beginning touches on some altered National Geographic pages in Journal #2, "Angels and Guardians".

 

"Flower Secrets"

I got off work this morning at 7... made the hour commute home... drank a Coors Light in bed (yes at 8 a.m.! It's my 5 o'clock)... and took a 3 hour nap.

On my first day off I like at least 5 hours of sleep. But 3 was all sleep would give me. I was a-buzz with energy!

I have no idea why, but I didn't take the gift for granted!

I worked some more on my pages, made a big bowl of ceviche, participated in a spin class, and am blogging and trolling as we speak.

Tomorrow night I'll have an art booth at the Stockton Art Walk --- if you live close, stop into the Bob Hope Theatre and say "Hola!"

Off to dinner... the ceviche isn't finished "cooking" and a margarita is sounding good.

So much for the spin class!

Namaste,

C H E Z

Making Do From Scratch

 

"Making Do From Scratch"

I was sitting at work in the middle of the night. After everybody falls asleep and no one is moving on the streets, there is finally peace.

The only thing I had access to were cooking magazines. All the smut reading had disappeared (Smut being People, In Touch and OK!) It was ALL gone! Maybe the powers that be think it is inappropriate reading material?

Cooking magazines are my least favorite collage fodder. But it's what I had. That and a book with sea creature drawings. So "Making Do From Scratch" was created.

I love it!

Art has a way of teaching us life lessons. I learned that we may not have all the exact tools we would like for creating the life we want... but we CAN make the life we want with what we already have.

Here's to the wisdom of ART!

On our one day getaway, Jeff found a large format, hard cover moleskine! It is now my journal of the week. It has the same smooth, creamy paper, yet the art created in it is better protected by its shell! Behold, page 1! I call her "Mary Annette"

 

"Mary Annette"

I covered the background in tea and coffee, let it dry, then smudged it with Wite-Out. For extra "texture" I used the Wite-Out roller tape. Then I sketched her and added pink accents with a watercolor pencil. This is a different style for me. I like her gritty innocence. 

And it wouldn't be a journal of mine if it didn't have a "To Do" list.

Off to work!

Namaste,

C H E Z

Dreaming and Visioning

 

"The Mock-Up Rose"

We vision ourselves being authentically who we are, expressing our principles and ideals and experiencing a reflection of that in the world around us.

We see ourselves living in a smaller, more rural community. Simplifying. Releasing our materialistic mindset.

We see ourselves living a more self-reliant lifestyle, growing more of our own food, creating more of our own necessities.

We intend that our hard work will create tangible results, not just numbers in a bank account.

We desire family and community -- people looking out and caring for each other.

The timing is right to stop dreaming and take action towards this vision.

Finished more journal pages in my altered National Geographic magazine "Patterns".

You can look at the whole journal here - but the following are the spreads and pages from the past couple of weeks.

"Lucky Numbers"

"Assembly 111"

"Assembly 111 Spread"

"Hell Money"

"For My Ancestors" Spread

 

"Reading Between the Lines"

 

"Fortunes Told"

 

"Telling Fortunes" Spread

Operation Independence

Jeff's last day at work was June 22nd and he hasn't heard anything back on his interview with another agency.

Today is the beginning of "Operation Independence" for the Sinclair Family.

We have come to the realization that no matter what, the need for changing the way we live is upon us. A rapid transition is necessary.

Thankfully, I am still employed and can make essential ends meet. I am fairly confident that that job is secure - but really - who knows anymore!

Without going completely "survival" extreme, I feel like we need to improve our independent living skills, wean ourselves off of high-energy living, and shrink our scope down from world view to village view by creating community in our neighborhood and town.

Jeff has been tasked to plant a garden in the backyard. That's first. Every time I eat locally grown, organic food I am AMAZED at its richness and vibrancy. Just a leaf of lettuce! I want to eat that way every day. It feels better in my body. 

I'll keep you blogged on how our operation progresses.

 

 

"Isabelle"

Mixed Media Collage / Resin

 

Another piece incorporating art resin. A vintage illustration of Isabelle Irving, vintage sewing patterns watercolor, acrylic and oil pastel. On this piece I used a 3D effect (against the website's suggestion) with vintage buttons half embedded in the resin. I love it!

The Birth of Consciousness

"Jesus said: 'If the flesh came into being because of spirit, it is amazing, but if spirit came into being because of the body, it is even more amazing. I am amazed, though, at how such great wealth has settled into such poverty.'"

Saying 29 - The Gospel of Thomas

Before flesh there is only spirit. In order to know itself, spirit has to manifest into flesh. Without flesh/mind/psyche, spirit/love/Eros cannot know itself.

"The Birth of Consciousness" Mixed media/Collage/Resin - For Sale on ETSY

 

I recently read two wonderful books by Keith Donohue, The Stolen Child and Angels of Destruction.

In them, he expresses the agony of how children grow up and abandon you for their own adulthood and on the other side of the mirror the agony of molting out of the soft skin of childhood and becoming an adult.

These books were an angel to me as I go through a grieving and letting go process and watch Kelsea struggle with her transition into adulthood.

I share with you some of my favorite insights:

"Why whisper wishes when my heart shouts with no result" - Margaret Quinn

"If a line exists in two directions from a single point, and it is called eternity, there can be no beginning and no end. It simply is. You is. Are. My first secret is that you have always existed and will continue to exist. those who truly believe must conquer time. It is not the length of your life that matters if you will always be –- If you have existed since the beginning and shall be forever, than the cares in this life are little more than a sigh in time. And yet we worry over every problem large and small. Instead of trusting our troubles will pass as we continue." - Noriah

"Fathers know from the beginning the string will snap and they mourn a bit each passing day. Mothers keep their eyes fixed on their children in the bright blue sky and are dumbfounded when they break their hearts."

Summer is a great time for a good read!

Namaste,

C H E Z

Belief & Reality

 

"Struggling between what I believe and reality"

When I first began venturing out of my fundamentalist Christian comfort zone, the first book I read was Charles Fillmore's "Talks on Truth".

In a nutshell, I began to understand that thoughts are things - magnetic energy that is sent forth from my consciousness into the universe to manifest into my reality. That which I hold to be "true" radiates out and creates my truth and reflects it back to me.

Let's put it this way, my reality has been sucking ass.

And the only person I have to blame is myself.

I have been forced to admit that not very deep down I believe that I don't deserve happiness, abundance, success, and peace unless I've either worked excruciatingly hard for it or suffered for it.

Lo and behold, that is the reality I have been experiencing.

And I know better --- I believe better --- but I am not practicing my deeper beliefs. I am not meditating and holding on to my visions and intentions. I sabotage them the moment I dream them.

SO.

New leaf. Turned over!

"Beliefs of every kind take up their abode in the consciousness and make a home there. If you believe in old age and bodily decrepitude and decay, you will find that all the little cells throughout your organism are carrying in their depths just such pictures, as the clear waters of the lake reflect the trees and the clouds.

If you want these obedient little cells of your soul and your body to reflect pictures of health and vigor undying, hold before them, in the heaven of your mind, clear images of these perfect states.

Not only hold such images before them, but demand that they express those images perfectly.

And do not forget to conserve your bodily energies by pure, careful thinking and living, in order that you may have the transparent substance in which your true thought images may be planted and, in their course, brought to fruitage."

Charles Fillmore

Jeff began the week by enjoying his last day of work for the City of Modesto. I say "enjoy" because we truly feel his lay-off is a blessing in disguise.

We decided to take a J & Shay Day and go back to what has become our favorite get-away - Inverness and Tomales Bay.

There are many beautiful and enjoyable places one can visit, but some just resonate with you on another level. This place does it for us.

We began with lunch at Marshall's Store... 1/2 dozen raw oysters, 1/2 dozen oysters Rockefeller, 1/2 dozen BBQ Osyster and 4 beers.

We shopped for ephemera, bought books, and got cozy at the Motel Inverness before heading to the Old Western Bar for a pre-dinner cocktail. The locals are kooky, quirky and friendly! This is definitely a place I could call home. We ate another delicious meal at Stellina's where Jeff began to tell a winemaker (and owner of 3 wineries) what a bottle of wine was... it was pretty hilarious.

After a night of some of the strangest dreams and a morning of sleeping in, we headed down the road...

 

Plants love the moist coastal weather!

 

 

 

We had to stop at the Olema Cemetery to visit with the residents and their angels.

 

 

Then we stopped in Bolinas - the strangest little town I have ever! Seriously - EVER!!

Home to artists, surfers and lost souls! Google "Bolinas" and you'll understand! The town sits on a different dimension.

We enjoyed Bloody Marys at Smiley's Saloon, the oldest continuously operating bar in California, and enjoyed conversing with some Bobolanders. We ate the fresh halibut fish and chips and homemade blackberry pie a la mode for lunch and wandered the strange and lovely streets of the Twilight Zone until it was time to head home.

 

We can't wait to go back!

 

Namaste,

J & C H E Z

The Mysteries

"Uncertainty and mystery are energies of life. Don't let them scare you unduly, for they keep boredom at bay and spark creativity."

R.I. Fitzhenry

Jeff and I are escaping the mystery for a day and heading to the sea. I can smell the brine and pine already!

Namaste,

C H E Z

Breaking Patterns

"Break the Pattern"

One of my first memories is being 4 years old, putting on my boots, getting my record player out, putting on my favorite 45 - "Indian Reservation" by Paul Revere and the Raiders - getting on top of the Formica kitchen table and getting my go-go on.

I loved my record player! Well into my 20's I owned a turntable and played vinyl. The sound of the needle touching the record was palpable and you could feel the grooves as the music played.

Until the record skipped.

Some small scratch would pop that diamond tip on repeat... repeat... repeat... And you'd have to nudge the needle a little to get it over the nick.

Remember?

Life is like that sometimes.

Blissfully groovin' along and budump,budump,budump,budump...

We must really like the tune of that record because we keep putting it back on the turntable. Then we get all aggravated and confused when we reach the same ol' budump,budump,budump,budump...

You think we'd learn the lesson - ditch the broken record - and upgrade to an iPod already!

But we don't.

Well, at least I haven't...

yet.

I am determined to stop repeating old patterns by putting on a new record. But I have a sneaking suspicion they'll be a scratch in it somewhere!

"Sew Easy"

Jeff and I went ephemera hunting at antique stores yesterday. I love shopping for ephemera! It inspires me and it's CHEAP!

I bought a box set of National Geographic magazines from 1922-1938. Fourteen composition size treasures ready for altering for $20. JOY!

Yes. I will gesso and gel and collage and tear them. 

This FREAKS people out! "AHHHH! You are ruining a book!"

I figure someone had this in their garage for 70-something years and all they got was a Jackson. (Actually... it was probably bought at an estate sell for a Lincoln and the dealer quadrupled the price.) So re-purposed for art's sake they get and back to art I go!

Namaste,

C HE Z

 

"Sew Easy" Spread